“I had an appointment with this guy last night that I talked to about a dating app. I waited in front of the diner, where we made an appointment 30 minutes after the scheduled meeting. He never showed up. All kinds of negative thoughts went through my head. I thought maybe he saw me from a distance, didn’t like what he saw, and then went on bail.
Just as I was about to leave, one of my old college friends, Jared, whom I haven’t seen in nearly a decade, came up to me with a big smile on his face and said, “Carly! It’s nice to see you! You look fantastic! ”I almost knocked him out because I was feeling inside right now, but luckily I pulled myself together to have a conversation.
After we talked in the same place for a while, he said, “What are you doing for dinner?” We finally went to the diner where I was supposed to eat the no-show date and had an amazing conversation full of laughter. After dinner he took me to my car, we exchanged numbers and he asked me for an official appointment for this Friday evening. “
Our stories make or break us
The story above comes from Carly, one of our youngest participants in Think Better, Live Better 2019 (and of course we share her story with permission).
Think about how her initial reaction was so deeply rooted in negativity. Her date didn’t appear and she immediately collapsed. Now think of the amazing opportunity she would have missed if she had endured this negativity. And think about how often your negativity gets the best out of you.
How often do you let your insecurities stop you?
Or how often do you judge others for their imperfections?
What you need to realize now is that you have a story about yourself and others (or maybe a series of stories) that you tell yourself every day. This is your mental film and it is a feature film that is played repeatedly in your head. Your film is about who you are and what the world should be like: your stomach is too saggy, your skin is too dark or pale, you are not smart, you are not lovable … you are not good enough. And of course, you find yourself picking out all sorts of imperfections in others and around the world.
Start paying attention to when your movie is playing – if you’re scared of who you are or facing the realities of life – because this affects everything you do. Realize that this film is not real, is not true and you are not. It’s just a train of thought that can be stopped – a script that can be rewritten.
Ready to rewrite the script?
Let’s start by being honest … Sometimes negativity dominates our better judgment!
So how do we outsmart our own negative tendencies so that we feel better, behave better and ultimately can live better? There are many options, but Angel and I often recommend two simple (but not easy) exercises to our live event participants and course students:
- Practice questioning your stories.
They know what they’re saying, they don’t believe everything you hear or read. Don’t believe the gossip columns in every magazine, the gloomy predictions of your employees, or the “shocking news” you hear on TV … until you’ve checked them.
Well, the same concept applies to your inner world – your thoughts.
We all have stories about ourselves and others, even if we don’t consider them stories. A typical example: How often do you take a break to logically think about what you really think about your relationships, your habits or your challenges? On the other hand, how often do you just burst out the fleeting emotions that come to mind – d. H. The previously recorded screenplay that you stuck to – without thinking clearly at all?
Stories can be short, such as “I’m not a good writer”, “I’m not good at yoga” or “I have intrinsic relationship problems.” And if we went into your personal version of these stories in more detail, you’d like to go ahead and try to explain why the stories you stuck to are real. Even if that’s not the case. They are just stories.
So the key practice here is to question your stories. Take the Writer example, for example. Ask yourself: Why do I think I’m not a good writer? What would it be like to be a good writer? Can I describe my current letter in such a way that it serves me better?
You will be surprised at how often the survey process helps you get a clearer and more accurate version of your story. Try it!
- Practice guiding your thoughts through three key filters.
Sometimes you are in a hurry and have a bad day to boot. On such days there is a mental conditioning exercise that I recommend very quickly and that can help you keep your attitude in check.
I have argued with my wife Angel in the past and one of the things that I have certainly regretted was not filtering my words before I said them. At the time of these arguments, I didn’t have the right tools other than thinking, “Be nice!”, Which means nothing to you if you feel the opposite of nice. A few years later, I found this simple tool that I could use to change my behavior. Here’s how it works:
Before you say anything, run your mind through three key filters and only speak when you get three clear YES answers:
Is it true?
Is it nice?
Is it helpful?
For example, suppose a running thought in your head says that your partner doesn’t care about you and you will call out those words because he or she hasn’t done the last task you requested. First question this thought: is it true that my partner doesn’t care about me? Is it nice for me to say or think that? Is it helpful for me to say or think that?
Remember that you cannot take your words back. In addition, you will never regret having acted really, kindly, and helpful later. Make it a ritual in your life in the coming days and weeks.
Now it is your turn…
Use the above two methods to gradually rewrite the script of your mental film. Learn how to recognize the worn flickering of your old film when it starts and then stops. Seriously! If you find yourself reciting lines from your old script (“My arms are limp …” or “My spouse deserves silent treatment …”), turn the script over and replace those lines with truer, friendlier, and more helpful ones. It takes practice, but it’s worth it. Just keep practicing and forgive yourself for making mistakes on the go.
And keep in mind that different types of external negativity try to distract you from your new script and better judgment – comments from family members, news speakers, social media posts … lots of things other people say and do. If you feel negativity coming, learn to distract it. Give him a little recoil with the thought, “This remark doesn’t really concern me, but you.” Remember that everyone has emotional problems (just like you), which sometimes makes them difficult and thoughtless. They do their best or are not even aware of their problems. In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behavior as personal attacks, but to view them as non-personal encounters (like a disgusting little dog barking in the distance) to which you can either react gracefully or not at all.
What was your biggest gain from this short article?
Is there anything else to share?
Angel and I would love to hear from YOU!
Please leave a comment below and let us know your thoughts.
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