How many times has this happened to you? …
You want to get more out of your life – get in shape, pursue a hobby that you love passionately, start your own business or work towards a new career, etc. You start to build a positive habit that leads you in this direction – practice, waking up early, writing, meditation, evening routine, learning, etc.
You start with a lot of determination (maybe for a week). Then something lets you skip your habit for a few days: a new project at work, unexpected household events, illness, family coming to visit, and so on.
These “busy” days keep popping up, so you skip more often. It doesn’t take long for you to give up your new habit altogether.
It’s frustrating isn’t it? Trying to build positive habits again and again, but not being able to?
Sometimes you feel like you just don’t have what to do anymore. You are just too busy, too old and just exhausted.
But what if that’s not true? What if the only things holding you back are a few limiting beliefs? And I’m not talking about negative beliefs.
We have many beliefs about what works, how to do things right, and what we need to do to be successful. On the surface, many of these beliefs sound pretty positive and motivating, and they are in some situations. In many other situations, however, they turn into motivational myths that completely paralyze our progress and prevent us from building positive habits. Let me explain …
Myth # 1: All you have to do is work really, really hard to be successful.
This belief alone is responsible for at least half of all personal mistakes people have discussed with me over the years. That may sound ridiculous, but it is true!
After all, everyone agrees that success requires hard work, regardless of whether you want to run a marathon or build a successful business. In the book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell says that it takes about 10,000 hours of careful practice to master a domain. Simply put, hard work is unavoidable, even if you work intelligently.
However, you are likely to have other work, housework, and family responsibilities as well. Where can you find the time and energy to work hard on new positive habits every day? For example, you could try to get used to exercising for 30 minutes every day. But what about the days when you don’t have 30 minutes? You skip and then you skip further.
The good news is that hard work is NOT the most important element for success, at least not initially when you are just starting to build a habit. The only thing that counts in the beginning is to do the habit every day for a very short time. Therefore, do not start with 30 minutes a day instead of exercising 30 minutes a day.
You may be surprised – two minutes a day clearly doesn’t help you get results at all. So what is it about?
It’s just about getting used to everyday life. A habit is something you do without willpower, something you naturally think of. If you do it every day, part of your brain – the cingulated gyrus – trains to do this activity and make it as natural as you brush your teeth every morning.
Within a few weeks, your brain will get used to doing the activity every day at a specific time or place. Then you can extend the time by two to five minutes each week. If you take it slowly, you can gradually make adjustments to your everyday life to meet your new habit.
You will reach your 30-minute goal within a few weeks and it will become a lifestyle that does not feel like a burden.
The key:
Remember, hard work is important, but it is the second step towards change.
The first step is consistency. Once you get used to a little habit, you should only start working harder on it. (Marc and Angel develop small, life-changing habits with the students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
Myth # 2: You have to have a hard time limit, and if you don’t keep it, you will fail.
Are you trying to develop new habits to achieve certain goals within a set time limit? Something like “I have to lose 10 pounds in a month” or “I have to be a published author within a year.”
You might think that you cannot achieve anything without setting deadlines. But what if I told you that deadlines actually hold you back in many cases? This happens in two ways:
First, a deadline will draw your attention to your goal, the result you are looking for. You will constantly evaluate how good you were each day by checking your weight or critically assessing the quality of your writing.
What you didn’t consider is that you may not get any visible results in the first few weeks. You may have difficulty running half a mile or writing something useful. It is all part of the natural skill development process that everyone goes through. This lack of visible progress can really discourage you. You may feel that you just don’t have what it takes and you may be motivated to give up your goal altogether.
Deadlines also make people underestimate the time it takes to get a job done. Take a look around and you will see that this happens in all areas of life. People often miss appointments at work or add extra hours at the last minute. If you set deadlines that are not practical, you build unrealistic expectations that you will soon demotivate.
It is important to understand that deadlines have a time and place, but they are not generally beneficial. For example, are tough deadlines really important to building long-term, life-changing habits? No, they don’t. Even if it takes you 10 years to become a published author or start your own business, imagine the effects that will affect the rest of your life. What’s the big hurry? Take it slowly and steadily … small, consistent steps forward every day.
The key:
Especially in the first few weeks, forget to set strict deadlines and focus only on what is important – creating the basis for your positive habit or routine. If you need a better approach to stay motivated, focus on your “big why”. Why do you want to build this habit / project / etc? What rewards do you get? How do you become happier and more fulfilled? Write this down, remember it and get inspired!
Myth # 3: You have to be bigger and better than you are now.
Goals are important. All change journeys must start with one goal. You must also be determined to achieve these goals. What do you think happens when you are too determined? You start to have a different belief: who you are is not good enough.
Years ago I was too involved in my meditation efforts. As my interest in meditation increased, I began to say to myself, “I’m not good enough” and “I have to be better at it.” I noticed various imperfections in me that had to be “fixed”.
Ironically, my exaggerated efforts to meditate over long periods of time had opened the door to self-criticism and stress. Fortunately, I realized that my obsession with meditation made me forget one of the basic goals of meditation – self-acceptance.
So the bottom line is: you have to accept yourself as you are and then commit to personal growth. If you think that you are already absolutely “perfect”, you will not make a positive effort to grow. However, constantly criticizing yourself is as counterproductive as doing nothing because you can never develop new positive habits if you are obsessively focused on your mistakes.
The key:
Follow the middle path. Change your mantra from “I have to be better” to “I’ll do my best today”. The second mantra is far more effective because it actually prompts you to take positive action every day while accepting the reality that not every effort may be perfect.
Remember: you are already good enough; you just need more practice.
Myth # 4: You have to be willing to sacrifice everything to be successful.
You have heard this story millions of times: Successful people work for hours without taking breaks, eating or sleeping.
You may have heard Eric Clapton practice guitar 18 hours a day, or how Bill Gates sometimes slept on the floor of his office to save the time it took him to go home, or how Edison worked without one for days on end You while you invent the light bulb. The underlying message: you even have to sacrifice your basic physiological needs if you want to be successful.
These stories inspire today’s corporate culture influenced by companies. But they let you overlook a critical question: have these people worked on a superhuman level every day? No!
Many people try to find more time for their positive habits and projects by skipping breakfast, sleeping less than six hours, or barely taking breaks. It is scientifically known that such drastic measures are a sure way to lower your productivity. You reduce your energy, your IQ, your ability to make decisions, your willpower and much more.
Sooner or later, it will be too tedious to sacrifice enough food or sleep to keep it going, and you will stop too soon.
The key:
Why not spend less time on things that are less important instead of trying to gain time from exaggerated victims? Spend less time on social media, less time watching TV, or fewer evenings in the pub.
Myth # 5: You can (and should) change completely at once.
Do you have a future picture of yourself as a transformed person? Someone who is healthier, happier, more confident, incredibly productive, always able to reconcile work and life, and so on.
Most of us do this to some extent. Every now and then we are motivated to do something to become that person. The most common example of this is New Year celebrations, where we make resolutions with remarkable optimism. Everything seems possible in the new year!
They start with enormous motivation: “Yes, this time it will be different!” But you know how to do it normally. Resolutions remain simple … well, resolutions and wishes for another time.
Your over enthusiasm is actually the cause of your failure. If you try to build six or even two new habits at the same time, you will be overwhelmed and most likely fail with each habit.
Why? Because changes require willpower. The book Willpower: The Rediscovery of the Greatest Human Strength by Roy Baumeister, one of the leading authorities in the field, explains how we have a limited amount of willpower, just as we have a limited amount of physical energy in a day. If you try to build two new habits at the same time, your available willpower will be divided between these two aspirations, making it more difficult for you to do either of these habits.
The key:
Successful transformation begins with building a habit, preferably the simplest one first. Do not start the second habit until you have consistently followed the first for at least a month. Let your first win pave the way for your second.
Close thoughts
You may not have developed positive habits and changes in your life several times in the past. That doesn’t mean you’re too busy, undisciplined, or lazy. You only had a few beliefs that held you back. As soon as you free yourself from the deceptive grip of these beliefs, you will see the difference.
Forget how long or how well you’re doing in the first few weeks and just do it! Forget appointments, victims, self-transformation or other motivational myths. The only thing you have to do is work on your positive habit for two to five minutes each day. That’s it!
It’s time to get back in the game. Take the first step today!
It’s your turn …
Which point above appealed to you the most?
Did any of these myths hold you back in the past?
I would love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with the community.
