This morning, one of my good friends spilled their courage over coffee after all their failed attempts to find the perfect man. Although their story is about their unique personal experiences, I couldn’t help feeling that I had heard the same story from others a hundred times under completely different circumstances.
It’s a heartbreaking story about the endless pursuit of perfection that so many of us are on …
The perfect woman
Once upon a time there was an intelligent, attractive, self-sufficient woman in her mid-thirties who decided to settle down and find a husband. So she traveled the world to look for the perfect man.
She met him in a bar in a chic hotel lobby in New York City. He was handsome and well spoken. In fact, it was difficult for her to look away from him. He fascinated her. It was the curves of his cheekbones, the confidence in his voice, and the comfort of his warm, calm hands. But after a short time it broke off. “We just didn’t share the same religious beliefs,” she said. So she continued her journey.
She met him again in Austin a few months later. This time he was an entrepreneur who owned a small, successful record label that helped local musicians book gigs and promote their music. And she learned on an unforgettable night that they not only shared the same religious beliefs, but that he could make them laugh for hours. “But I just wasn’t attracted to him so physically,” she said. So she continued her journey.
She met him again in a beach cafe in Miami. He was a sports doctor at the Miami Dolphins, but for Calvin Klein he could easily have been a lingerie model. For a while she was sure that he was the one! And all of her friends loved him too. “He’s the perfect catch,” they said. “But we weren’t in the same social circles, and his high-profile job took way too much time and attention,” she said. So she cut off and continued on her journey.
Finally, she met the perfect man at a corporate conference in San Diego. He had every quality she was looking for. Intelligent, good looking, spiritual, similar social circles and a strong emotional and physical connection – absolutely perfect! She was ready to spend the rest of her life with him. “But unfortunately he was looking for the” perfect “woman,” she said.
Everything we ever hoped for
As humans, we often follow hypothetical, static states of perfection. We do this when we are looking for the perfect house, job, friend or lover.
The problem, of course, is that perfection does not exist in a static state. Because life is a continuous journey that is constantly evolving and changing. What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow.
This perfect house, job, friend or lover will eventually fade to a state of imperfection. The best we can get to perfection is the experience itself – the snapshot of a single moment or vision that stays in our minds forever – that never evolves and never grows. And we don’t really want that. We want something real! And if it’s real, it will never be perfect. But if we are ready to work on it and open up, it could be everything we ever hoped for.
This imperfect man (or this imperfect woman)
The truth is, when it comes to finding the “perfect man” or “perfect woman” or “perfect relationship”, the journey begins with letting go of the imagination of “perfect”! In the real world, you don’t love or appreciate someone because they are perfect. You love and appreciate him even though he is not. Likewise, your goal should not be to create a perfect life, but to lead an imperfect life in radical astonishment.
And when an intimate relationship gets tough, it’s not an immediate sign that you’re doing it wrong. Intimate relationships are complicated and often the most difficult if you do them right – if you invest time, have tough conversations, compromise, and make sacrifices every day. Resisting the difficult moments – the real moments – and seeing them as immediate evidence that something is wrong or that you are with the wrong person only aggravates the difficulties. If, on the other hand, you see difficulties in a relationship as normal and necessary, you and your partner have the best chance of thriving together in the long term.
There is no “perfect” here either. To say that you have to wait a lifetime for your perfect soul mate to come by is an absolute paradox. People finally get tired of waiting, so take a chance on someone and become soul mates through the powers of love, compromise, and commitment, which almost takes a lifetime to perfect.
This concept really applies to almost everything in life. With a little patience and openness, I bet this imperfect house will develop into a comfortable home over time. This imperfect job turns into a rewarding career. This imperfect friend develops into a firm shoulder to lean on. And … this imperfect man or this imperfect woman develops into a “perfect” lifelong companion.
(Note: Our New York Times bestseller, Back to Happy: Change Your Mind, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials To Triumphs. It’s an easy-to-read guide that is guaranteed to make your life and relationships much healthier. )
Now it is your turn…
Please leave a comment below and let me know what you think about this short essay.
What was swinging with? Any other thoughts on the harmful role of perfectionism in relationships?
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