Too often we judge people too quickly or too subjectively. We tell stories about them without thinking about them – our perceptions and prejudices get the best out of us. I was reminded today when I received the following in an email from a Think Better, Live Better 2020 ticket holder (I share this with permission):
“… I learned the hard way that a smile can hide so much – that when you look at a person you never know what their story is or what is really going on in their life. This harsh reality became to me this morning when I found out that one of my top students – always a clear A, a positive attitude and a smile on her face – died of suicide last night. Why? Nobody seems to know. And it kills me inside. “
Are you talking about a reality check, right?
What we tell each other – what we think we know – is often far from the truth.
And with that in mind, I’m sitting here thinking about all the little things we have to stop accepting about other people for their sake and ours …
We have to stop assuming that the happiest people are simply the ones who smile the most. – Behind the polite smile and greetings that people give you, some are hurt and lonely. Don’t just come and go. Do you see them. Maintenance. Divide. Listen. Love. We can’t always see people’s pain, but they can always feel our kindness. So be friendlier than necessary.
We have to stop assuming that the people we love and respect will not disappoint us. – When we expect perfection, we tend to overlook the good. And the truth is, nobody is perfect. Sometimes the confident lose confidence, the patient shifts his patience, the generous act is selfish, and the informed second guess what they know. It happens to all of us too. We make mistakes, we lose our temper and we are surprised. We stumble, we slip and sometimes we fall. But that’s the worst … we have our moments. Most of the time we’re damn good despite our shortcomings. Treat the people you love accordingly – give them the space to be human.
We have to stop assuming that people who do things differently do things wrong. – We all go different ways to find fulfillment, joy and success. Just because someone is not on your street does not mean that they are lost.
We have to stop assuming that the people we disagree with do not deserve our compassion and kindness. – The exact opposite is the case. The way we deal with people we disagree with is testimony to what we have learned about love, compassion, kindness, and humility. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Relationships chapter of the NEW 1,000 Little Things That Make Happy, Successful People Different.)
We have to stop assuming that we cannot trust people we don’t know. – Some people build too many walls in their lives and not enough bridges. Don’t be one of them. Open yourself. Take small risks for people. Have them gradually prove that your doubts are wrong over time.
We have to stop assuming that the rude people of the world are personally targeting us. – We cannot take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of us. You do things because of them. And there is a lot of freedom that comes to mind when we break away from other people’s behaviors. So remember how others treat you is their problem. How you react is up to you.
We have to stop assuming that other people are our reason for being unhappy, unsuccessful, etc. – We may not be able to control everything that people tell us and do to us, but we can choose not to be reduced by them. We can choose to forgive or forget. We can choose to stay or go. We can choose what helps us grow. It is always a positive decision to make. The only real, lasting conflict you will ever have in your life will not be with others, but with yourself … and how you react … and the daily rituals you follow. (Angel and I build small, life-changing daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
Dealing with people who deeply offend us
Some of the above (such as numbers 4 and 6) may require willingness to be cordial with people who yell at us, interrupt, cut us off in traffic, talk about terribly uncomfortable things, and so on.
These people hurt the way we think people should behave. And sometimes their behavior insults us deeply.
But if we let these people come to us again and again, we will be angry and insulted far too often.
So what can we do?
There is no one-size-fits-all solution, but here are two strategies that Angel and I often recommend to course students and live event attendees:
Be bigger, think bigger. – Imagine a two year old who is not getting what she wants at the moment. She has a tantrum! This small, current problem is enormous in her little head because she lacks perspective on the situation. But as adults we know better. We recognize that there are dozens of other things the 2-year-old could do to be happy. Sure, that’s easy for us to say – we have a bigger perspective, don’t we? But when someone insults us, we suddenly have a small perspective again – this small, momentary offense seems enormous and makes us scream. We throw the equivalent of a tantrum of a two year old. However, if we think bigger, we can see that this little thing counts very little in the big scheme of things. It is not worth our energy. So always remember to be bigger, think bigger and broaden your perspective.
Embrace them spiritually and wish them better days. – This little trick can positively change the way we see people who insult us. Let’s say someone just said something unpleasant to us. How dare you! Who do you think you are? You have no regard for our feelings! But with such a violent reaction, of course, we have no regard for their feelings – they may suffer in an unimaginable way inside. By remembering this, we can try to show them empathy and realize that their behavior is likely to be driven by some kind of inner pain. They are uncomfortable as a coping mechanism for their pain. And so we can hug her mentally. We can feel sorry for this broken person because we are all broken and at some point in pain. We are the same in many ways. Sometimes we need a hug, some extra compassion, and a little unexpected love.
Try one of these strategies the next time someone insults you. And then smile and breathe, armed with the reassuring knowledge that there is no reason to be transformed into someone you are not by someone else’s behavior.
It’s your turn…
How have your judgments and expectations of others affected your life and relationships?
Do you have additional thoughts or insights to share?
We’d love to hear from you. Please leave an answer below.
